Today, Marvel’s The Avengers hits theaters in the United States and the anticipation for it is as high for any film coming out this summer season, save The Dark Knight Rises. However, having watched every single trailer for all three movies up to this point, the latest The Amazing Spider-Man trailer is the best of them all. Sure, there’s no cool drum beat and chanting, but the trailer gives us a lot, almost too much as trailers do, but it actually leaves you wanting to see more. The cinematography looks, pardon the pun, amazing. Judge for yourself…

On May 1st, the world was introduced to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Kate Upton’s cat daddy dance. I’ll be honest and tell you that I didn’t have any idea what a cat daddy dance was then and I still don’t know it is. Frankly, I care about it insomuch as long as Kate Upton, God’s gift to men that surf the internet in the darkness of their dorm rooms, engages in this dance. Upon my first viewing of the video, originally posted on YouTube by some lucky bastard, I was very happy in my pants. I don’t know how to say it any more classier.

So, naturally, I favorited the video. Then the following day on Tuesday as I woke up, ready for about my 1,739 viewing of the video, GONE! YouTube felt that the video violated their terms of use. What. The. Hell. No more Kate Upton doing the cat daddy dance, a dance I never cared for, but still. The top woman in the world did that dance and she did it so well, YouTube felt it was too sexy to stay on its site. Until today! See below explanation from YouTube per the Washington Post:

“With the massive volume of videos on our site, sometimes we make the wrong call,” a YouTube spokesperson told The Daily Beast. “When it’s brought to our attention that a video has been removed mistakenly, we act quickly to reinstate it.”

I guess men actually work at YouTube. Nice! Because who can’t appreciate a hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed, scantily-clad, well-endowed woman gyrating and expanding her hips? Speaking of which… enjoy the below.

 I have to say, and I know this is going to piss off a lot of my Conservative friends, but we should not concentrate on social issues as much as we do. I AM a Conservative, and I do have my opinions (strong ones I might add) on a variety of social issues we all love to debate. The thing is, most of the social issues that we get up in arms about do not affect us. I’m sorry, Conservatives, but gay marriage will not destroy humanity.

My feelings are different on abortion because it has been politicized by the Left as a “women’s health” issue. It does affect me because it’s partly taxpayer-funded, and if/when President Barack Obama’s healthcare law kicks into full swing, we will all be mandated to fund abortion whether we like it or not. Also, my personal opinion of abortion is not supportive. If someone gets pregnant and wants to have a baby, we are not responsible for the cost, so why should we be responsible for the cost of terminating a pregnancy?

We are not mandated to support gay marriage, so why should it bother me what two people whose beliefs are different than mine are doing? If you want to start a discussion about the definition of marriage, here’s how I think about it. Conservatives want to define marriage as “only between a man, and a woman,” and liberals want a free-for-all (that’s an exaggeration…I think). I say both sides are wrong about the definition of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a religious rite of passage, such as a Baptism, Confirmation, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, but as always, some ruling authority somewhere decided to change that… and tax it.

Why do we Conservatives not get mad at that? Instead, some of us take it to a personal level. It’s popular opinion that we want freedom of religion from state control. Right? Instead, we vote on it, and in turn, we’re giving the state power to decide what the definition of marriage is. I say, if you get hitched with someone and it’s in some religious capacity with a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, or any other religious figure, then call it a ‘marriage.’ If you and your loved one want to get together, and a judge, a politician, or your friend that became ordained on the internet presides over the ceremony, call it a ‘civil union.’ It’s the logical thing to do. And whatever it is you’re calling it, no government should tax it. FYI- I’m ordained on the internet, but won’t be taking requests to preside over anyone’s wedding. Sorry.

The social issue we should all be focused on is immigration. It’s something that, if not handled, could take down the republic. Abortion and gay marriage cannot do that. Illegal immigration threatens our national security, national identity, education, taxes, healthcare, the national debt, and employment. Let’s focus on this and leave the smaller issues to special interest groups… and keep them out of national politics.

Elevators. When you’ve lived and worked in the urban jungle as long as I have, you’ve ridden your fair share of them. Yes, in New York City, riding elevators is almost as routine as breathing – rather mundane and uneventful.

So, like the body does with asthma attacks, let’s spice it up a bit and go crazy.

6) Chill

Feel free to lay back on the floor and prop your feet up against a stranger’s hamstrings or bring a collapsible beach chair. Just remember to always wear your shades, link your fingers behind your head, and breathe the breath of chilldom.

5) Psychic Bond

Walk into an elevator, hold the door open with one hand, and “feel” the button board with the other. Close your eyes for a few seconds and then instantly open your eyes and gasp, storm out, and proclaim the elevator an asshole.

4) Rapid Fire

Enter the elevator and press the button for the floor that you are already on in rapid fire fashion. Don’t stop and claim that the elevator is broken. Curse profusely for emphasis.

3) Repair!

As you get near the crowd about to take a ride on the elevator, claim employment with the building and the need for repair. Be courteous and thank everyone for their cooperation. As the doors close with you inside, yell, “It’s a miracle!”

2) Shine On

First find the following items – blue flannel shirt, red corduroy jacket, pants optional, toy axe, and a Jack Nicholson mask (or at least have the ability to part your hair). Make sure you’re on some middle floor of the building and when the doors open – “Heeeere’s Johnny!” Be thoughtful and have towels ready to hand out.

1) Blame Game

Enter the elevator, shift a bit uncomfortably, sniff the air, look around and then ask, “Did this elevator just fart?”

Please note that these are merely suggestions on my part and legally, I have to tell you to not actually do any of the above. Well, except maybe Blame Game because who doesn’t like a good fart joke?

9 out of 10 baseballs would rather be run over by a Mack Truck than pitched to this guy

Traditionally among the two or three thinnest positions in fantasy baseball, 2B gets a huge boost this year due to a pair of factors. First, two excellent hitters are eligible for 2B despite the fact that they will not be playing that position this season, in Colorado’s Michael Cuddyer and Texas’ Michael Young. Secondly, the position has gotten an injection of talent with a trio of young stars in Seattle’s Dustin Ackley, Cleveland’s Jason Kipnis and Oakland’s Jemile Weeks.

Last season, none of those five were an option and 2B was weaker than any position aside from catcher. Therefore, I targeted clear-cut top 2B Robinson Cano in the first round, drafting him in three separate leagues (and winning two, justifying the selection). In 2012, Cano is still a great grab in the first round, but with Cuddyer and Young likely available into the sixth and seventh round is it worth reaching for Kinsler and Pedroia in the later first to early second round? With Ackley, Kipnis and Jemile Weeks all representing high upsides well after the eleventh round is it worth reaching for injury-prone talents Rickie Weeks and Howard Kendrick in the seventh?

These are the types of decisions which shape fantasy baseball teams. Drafting Pedroia or Kinsler could mean passing up on fantasy studs like Prince Fielder and Jose Reyes, not to mention aces Clayton Kershaw, Justin Verlander and Roy Halladay. Drafting Kendrick or Rickie Weeks could mean a missed opportunity to nab rising star pitchers Ian Kennedy or Madison Bumgarner, not to mention slam-dunk closers Mariano Rivera and Jonathan Papelbon.

I often state that it is important to target players for early, middle and late round options in fantasy drafts at each position. In the mid-to-late first round, the sublime talents of Robinson Cano are certainly worthwhile. In the sixth or seventh round, Michael Cuddyer should approach 30 home runs and 100 RBIs in the hitter’s haven of Coors Field, with an average higher than Dan Uggla, likely gone in the fourth round. Slated as a 14th-to-17th round pick, it is certainly conceivable that Jason Kipnis puts up a line of .275-15-75 with 15 SBs, comparable to what you would get with Ben Zobrist in the fifth round or Howard Kendrick in the seventh.

On to the rankings:

1. Robinson Cano, New York Yankees (Yahoo 8, ESPN 7)

2011: .302-28-118

Second base is one of three positions, along with SS and 3B, where there is absolutely no contest for the #1 spot. Over the past three years, Cano has averaged a line of .314-27-104, and at age 29 he can still get better. He plays in a hitter’s park in the Bronx, and is moving up to the third spot in the Yankees’ potent order. Both in real life and in fantasy he is a far better player than nearest contenders Ian Kinsler and Dustin Pedroia, and he is not only a reasonable pick at #4 overall after Cabrera, Pujols and Tulowitzki are off the board, but he is also a solid bet to win the 2012 AL MVP.

2. Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers (Yahoo 20, ESPN 19)

2011: .255-32-77 (30 SB)

Sandwiched around an injury-prone 2010, Kinsler put together 30-30 seasons in both 2009 and 2011. He plays in a hitter’s park in one of the best line-ups in baseball. Hitting in front of the devestating threesome of Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz and Mike Napoli he will see plenty of fastballs to feast on. Kinsler has batted .300 before (2008), and if he can get his average near to that point, he will be nearly as valuable as Cano due to his speed on the basepaths.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Boston Red Sox (Yahoo 17, ESPN 15)

2011: .307-21-91 (26 SB)

Boston’s fan-favorite diminutive 2B is a five-category contributor in fantasy, rare anyway but scarcer still at his position. Pedroia’s ability to shorten up with two strikes and still hit the ball hard to all fields makes him a constant threat to hit .300. His smarts on the basepaths make him a perennial 20+ SB guy despite not having spectacular speed, and he has become an expert at lifting the ball over the Green Monster at Fenway, leading to 20+ HR seasons despite lacking great power. Pedroia’s ability to maximize his abilities to fit his surroundings are praiseworthy indeed, putting him neck-and-neck with Kinsler as the second-best 2B in baseball behind the sublime Cano.

4. Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds (Yahoo 55, ESPN 54)

2011: .300-18-82 (14 SB)

One of the most entertaining personalities in Major League Baseball, Phillips is also the best defensive 2B currently in the game. Unfortunately, neither of those admirable traits will help you in fantasy. What will is that he is in his prime at 31, is an annual 20 HR/20 SB threat, and last year reached .300 for the first time. Combine all of those facts and Phillips is surely worthy of a selection in the fifth round where he is consistently slated by the experts.

5. Michael Cuddyer, Colorado Rockies (Yahoo 70, ESPN 95)

2011: .284-20-70 (11 SB)

Okay, this is cheating. Cuddyer will not play 2B for the Rockies, we all know that. Yet, due to the fact that he saw some action there for the Twins last year, he is eligible for the position. Factor in the fact that he achieved his admirable stats playing last year in the hitter’s graveyard of Minnesota and is now moving to the batter’s haven of Colorado. Is a .280-30-100 season possible? Without a doubt. Cuddyer’s stats in the final season of the Metrodome (2009) were comparable: .276-32-94. As an OF or 1B (where he will be playing most of the time), Cuddyer would be worthy of his ranking. At 2B, his value is far greater. If he is still available after the fifth round, do not miss out on this low-risk, high-reward player.

6. Michael Young, Texas Rangers (Yahoo 61, ESPN 98)

2011: .338-11-106

Okay, we’re cheating again. Young will not play any 2B, although he is eligible there. He is also eligible at 1B and 3B, making him an extremely valuable player to have on your fantasy team. A lifetime .304 hitter with 2,061 career hits, Young is simply a hit machine. Although his power dipped a bit last year, in the previous two seasons his HR totals were 22 and 21. His versatility and consistency make him an invaluable fantasy contributor, which is why I ranked him slightly ahead of Uggla and Zobrist.

7. Dan Uggla, Atlanta Braves (Yahoo 48, ESPN 42)

2011: .233-36-82

Quite simply, Uggla is the best power source among all major league 2Bs. His batting average of .233 last year, however, was… well, Ugg-ly. The 32 year old from Kentucky tends to swing from his heels going for the big fly, leading to low averages and high strike-out rates. His power numbers still make him a worthy fantasy asset, but in the fourth round where he is slated to go, it might be wiser to wait a round for the all-around ability of a Brandon Phillips, or wait a few rounds for Michael Cuddyer and Michael Young. Think of it this way — ESPN ranks Uggla 42nd and Young 98th. Yet Young led Uggla in three of five categories (.338 to .233, 6 SBs to 1 SB, 106 RBIs to 82), while they tied in runs scored (88 apiece). Although Uggla crunched Young in HRS (36 to 11), that is not equal to the more obscene discrepancy in batting average. Overall it can be argued that the two players have similar value to a fantasy team, but when you factor in Young’s multi-positional eligiblity (3B and 1B) and the fact that Young can be drafted two-to-four rounds later, it seems that Uggla in the fourth could be a reach.

8. Ben Zobrist, Tampa Bay Rays (Yahoo 52, ESPN 51)

2011: .269-20-91 (19 SB)

Last season, Zobrist helped fantasy teams in four offensive categories, while not hurting you too much in batting average. He also is eligible for OF, making him even more valuable. He is useful to fantasy teams the same way he is useful to Rays’ manager Joe Maddon — as a Swiss Army knife, solid at everything but not dominant in anything. Zobrist is certainly worthy of being drafted in the fifth round where he is slated to go.

9. Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies (Yahoo 71, ESPN 77)

2011: .259-11-44 (14 SB); (limited to 398 ABs by injuries)

The biggest question at 2B might be where to draft Chase Utley? From 2005 to 2009, he was the clear-cut best 2B in baseball, averaging close to 30 HRs and 100 RBIs, adding a .290+ average and 20+ SB potential. Knee injuries have drained him over the past two seasons, and there are several questions as to how much and how well he can play in 2012. My advice? If Utley falls into the seventh or eighth round, take a flyer on him – if healthy, he may not be able to ascend to previous statistical heights, but .300-20-85 is within reach. Just make sure you use a later pick to get some insurance at 2B; on the other side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, Neil Walker is a good bet for .285-15-80 who should be available after the 13th round.

10. Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers (Yahoo 84, ESPN 85)

2011: .269-20-49 (453 ABs)

Perhaps the most athletically gifted 2B in the game aside from Cano, injuries have plagued Weeks for his entire career. He has only totalled over 500 ABs once, in 2010, when he responded with 29 HRs and 112 runs scored. With Prince Fielder leaving the Brew Crew, Weeks will be more relied upon to produce this year in the middle of the Milwaukee line-up. Only 29 years of age, Weeks could conceivably near 30 HRs and 90 RBIs if healthy. If only he could conceivably stay healthy. Draft him after the top 2B options are gone, and then offer a sacrifice to whatever your voodoo deity is that Weeks spends 2012 on the field and off the disabled list.

11. Dustin Ackley, Seattle Mariners (Yahoo 136, ESPN 171)

2011: .273-6-36 (273 ABs after call-up)

I absolutely love this kid’s swing. If I had to bet on any 2012 rookie to one day win a batting title, it would be Ackley. His smooth, quick left-handed stroke is reminiscent of a young Tony Gwynn or Wade Boggs. Although not blazingly fast or incredible powerful, Ackley’s upside is tremendous — he could one day hit .330 with 20+ HR and 20+ SB. There are no guarantees that such a breakthrough will occur this year, but expect improvements all across the board as he gets over 600 ABs. Unfortunately, the Mariners are moving him to the OF, so this will be Ackley’s final season eligible at 2B, but he is certainly worthy of a pick prior to where the experts have him slated to go.

12. Jemile Weeks, Oakland Athletics (Yahoo 154, ESPN 202)

2011: .303-2-36 (22 SB in 406 ABs after call-up)

Looking for a late-round source of average and SBs at an historically thin position? Look no further. Weeks is a solid bet to lead all 2Bs in SBs, and keep his average in the .300 range. He will be part of a electrifyingly fast top of the line-up in Oakland with Coco Crisp, and unlike in previous seasons the A’s are expected to run like hell on the basepaths in 2012. Although he was caught stealing 11 times in 2011, Barry Larkin has worked with him in the off-season to become a better fielder and basestealer. Jemile lacks the power of older brother Rickie, but looks to be a late round steal in most fantasy formats.

13. Howard Kendrick, Los Angeles Angels (Yahoo 72, ESPN 118)

2011: .285-18-63 (14 SB)

Once seen as a future batting-crown winner, Kendrick has settled in as a guy who does a little bit of everything. Also eligible at 1B and OF, Kendrick is a bit of an injury risk, having served several sentences on the DL due to a variety of injuries. If healthy, he is a poor man’s Brandon Phillips. However, he is ranked significantly higher than he deserves. According to Yahoo, he is worth drafting an amazing 93 picks ahead of Neil Walker, who is a good bet to put up virtually identical numbers. Therefore, I put Kendrick in fantasy limbo — not good enough to target early, and ranked too high to sit on late. Either get yourself a top 2B option, or wait for a sleeper later.

14. Neil Walker, Pittsburgh Pirates (Yahoo 165, ESPN 167)

2011: .273-12-83 (9 SB)

Walker is a very good late value pick. Why? Well, ESPN and Fox would rather show Brett Favre readjusting his crotch than a Pittsburgh Pirates game. On the highlight shows, LeBron James’ preference in socks is given precedence over Bucs’ highlights. Ergo, Walker can be had extremely late in your fantasy draft, despite the fact that he is still improving and his two-year averages are nearly identical to Howard Kendrick. If you take a chance on an Utley or Rickie Weeks early, you can take Walker as insurance for your high-upside but injury-prone 2B late. In deeper leagues, Walker is also a solid starting option, who will contribute a bit in all five offensive fantasy categories.

15. Jason Kipnis, Cleveland Indians (Yahoo 158, ESPN 174)

2011: .272-7-19 (5 SB in 136 ABs after call-up)

Not guaranteed of Cleveland’s starting 2B gig entering training camp, expect Kipnis to win it with his 20+ HR/ 20+ SB potential. He is not as sure of a bet as Seattle mega-prospect Ackley, nor is he a slam-dunk to contribute in two categories like Oakland’s Jemile Weeks. Yet Kipnis is a high-upside bargain where he will be available, capable of contributing in all five categories if he puts it all together. That upside is why Kipnis is ranked on this list ahead of bust-candidates Danny Espinosa and Gordan Beckham.

Votto hits balls that fly so far there should be Air Canada stewardesses on them

One of the keys to success in fantasy baseball concerns the handling and drafting of players with multiple-position eligibility. When a player is eligible for multiple positions, it does not matter where they will actually spend most of their time playing, it just matters where they can help your fantasy team the most.

Case in point: Michael Cuddyer. Last year, playing in a pitcher’s haven in Minnesota, Cuddyer played just a handful of games at second base. This season, Cuddyer moves to the hitter’s paradise of Colorado and, in most fantasy formats, has positional eligibility at 2B. Cuddyer has previously reached 30+ HRs and 100+ RBIs, and certainly stands to threaten those numbers again playing first base and outfield for the Rockies. Still, his rankings are precariously low: 70th overall on Yahoo, 95th overall on ESPN.

What are realistic expectations for Cuddyer in Colorado? Most would agree that .290-25-90 with 10 SBs is within reach. Yet Cuddyer is ranked as a sixth-to-eighth round pick while many are taking Dustin Pedroia in the first round. What are realistic expectations for Pedroia? .295-20-90 with 20 SBs. And yet Pedroia is worth picking over Prince Fielder and Justin Verlander? Yet another example of using the loop-holes of fantasy baseball to pass on over-valued players and to target under-valued players your draft.

First-base is littered with players who have multi-positional eligibility. As 1B is far deeper than any infield position or catcher, I am leaving off my 1B rankings players who are eligible at those aforementioned positions: Cuddyer (2B, OF), Michael Young (2B, 3B), Pablo Sandoval (3B), Carlos Santana (C), Mike Napoli (C), Joe Mauer (C), Kevin Youkilis (3B) and Mark Reynolds (3B).

I am, however, leaving on my 1B rankings those players who are also eligible at the equally deep position of outfield: Mike Morse, Lance Berkman, Mark Trumbo, Kendry Morales, Nick Swisher, Lucas Duda, Brandon Belt and Carlos Lee.

The most interesting example of this is Miguel Cabrera, who is not eligible at 3B to start the season, but is moving over to the hot corner to accomodate Detroit’s new acquisition of Prince Fielder. If you draft Cabrera for 3B it is a great call even if you won’t be able to use him there for the first week of the season — just draft a decent back-up and stick Miggy in your DH slot for a few games. As Cabrera is the best hitter in all of baseball, I will inc,lude him in both the 1B and 3B rankings.

Following the rankings, I will include a re-ranking of all players with 1B eligibility, just because:

1. Miguel Cabrera, Detroit Tigers (Yahoo 1, ESPN 1)

2011: .344-30-105

In any format, in any fantasy league, draft Miguel Cabrera first overall. It’s quite simple — he is the best hitter in all of baseball, better than Pujols, better than Kemp, better than anyone. His average stat-line for the past eight seasons? A .319 average with 33 homers and 115 RBIs, and he’s still just 28 years old. The fact that he will be playing 3B in 2012 just makes him, almost impossibly, more valuable. If you are lucky enough to draft first overall in your league, do not miss out on the best fantasy baseball player on earth.

2. Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels (Yahoo 3, ESPN 2)

2011: .299-37-99

Speaking of money in the bank, how about the guy who signed a contract with the Angels large enough to buy most third-world countries this off-season? Over his unbelievable 11-season MLB career, Pujols has averaged an otherworldly .328-40-121 line. Although if picking second overall, I would take Troy Tulowitzki due to the thinness at SS this season, Pujols has a firm argument (alongside Matt Kemp and Robinson Cano) to be the third overall pick in any fantasy format.

3. Joey Votto, Cincinnati Reds (Yahoo 7, ESPN 10)

2011: .309-29-103

In the second-half of the first round, you cannot go wrong choosing Joey Votto, a tremendous hitter who plays in a band-box in Cincy and is young enough to improve on his tremendous offensive production over the past two seasons. Votto is also the clear-cut winner of the “Larry Walker Award” as the best Canadian in baseball, if that means anything to you.

4. Prince Fielder, Detroit Tigers (Yahoo 14, ESPN 18)

2011: .299-38-120

There are those in the Sabermetric community who would now have you believe it does not matter who a hitter bats in front of in the line-up. Try telling that to Prince Fielder, who will have plenty of fastballs to feast on hitting in front of Miguel Cabrera in the amazingly potent Tigers’ line-up. Prince moves to Detroit, long considered a pitcher’s paradise, but Fielder does not have ordinary power — he has light-tower power and can smash balls out of any park on earth. His old home in Milwaukee was not exactly a band-box either, so expect him to slightly improve on his 2011 numbers, especially hitting in front of the feared Cabrera.

5. Adrian Gonzalez, Boston Red Sox (Yahoo 9, ESPN 14)

2011: .338-27-117

With a career average in the .290s, I find it difficult to believe that Gonzalez will hit .338 again. His power numbers, however, should remain consistent. He is clearly worth an early second-round selection, though I find it preposterous that he is ranked ahead of the superior Prince Fielder. Still, with Ryan Howard injured for at least half of the 2012 campaign, there are only seven truly elite options left at first base, and Gonzalez is surely one of them.

6. Mark Teixeira, New York Yankees (Yahoo 23, ESPN 24)

2011: .248-39-111

Despite an average which has dipped every season since he came to the Bronx, Teixeira’s terrific power numbers make him an elite option at first base. Teixeira is frustrating in that he refuses to use the whole field when defenses often play him with extreme shifts, which is at least partially attributable to his drop in average. Teixeira claims to be dedicated to improving that facet of his game, which could result in a huge upswing in his fantasy value, making him worthy of a pick anywhere in the second round.

7. Paul Konerko, Chicago White Sox (Yahoo 47, ESPN 36)

2011: .300-31-105

The molst underrated player in both fantasy and actual baseball over the past decade, I target Konerko in my draft every season and get him every season. Last year, I drafted Konerko on two teams — once in the 10th round and once in the 11th — and he responded with numbers comparable or superior to Votto, Pujols, Gonzalez, Fielder and Teixeira — all gone by the 15th overall pick in both drafts. This season, however, he is ranked higher than usual by most major sports sites and will be 36 opening day, an age when power hitters normally begin to decline. Still, Konerko is the best option if you miss out on the top 1Bs, and is certainly worth a pick if he falls to the fourth round.

8. Mike Morse, Washington Nationals (Yahoo 62, ESPN 72)

2011: .303-31-95

Morse exploded onto the scene as one of the top waiver-wire pick-ups in 2011, and kept up terrific production all year long. It is normally scary to hope that a player who enjoys a breakthrough season at age 29 (as Morse did) can repeat that performance the following year, but looking at Morse’s numbers in a part time role in 2009 (266 ABs; .289-15-41), it would appear that Morse may well be the real deal. Also eligible at OF and batting in an improved Washington line-up, Morse is undervalued — worth a pick before the sixth-to-seventh round where he is ranked.

9. Lance Berkman, St. Louis Cardinals (Yahoo 86, ESPN 59)

2011: .301-31-94

After an injury-marred and putrid 2009 campaign, Berkman signed with St.Louis and enjoyed a stellar 2010 campaign. With a recent history of getting hurt and at 36 years old, there is a bit of increased risk in drafting Berkman this season. The man they call “Fat Elvis” has enjoyed a terrific career and is also eligible at OF, making him worth a mid-round pick with the realistic hope that he approaches his fantastic 2011 numbers.

10. Eric Hosmer, Kansas City Royals (Yahoo 68, ESPN 45)

2011: .293-19-78 (with 11 SB)

Are you in a keeper league? Hosmer is an absolute stud with the potential to put up Gonzalez and Teixeira-type numbers within the next couple of seasons, while adding a few SBs to the mix. Are you in a standard league? Hosmer is the top candidate to have a huge breakthrough season, reminiscent of Morse last year or Votto a couple of seasons back. The sky is the limit for this kid, and also a good place to watch for the baseballs which are certain to explode off his bat for several seasons to come. Get him!

11. Billy Butler, Kansas City Royals (Yahoo 119, ESPN 103)

2011: .291-19-95

Undervalued for years due to the fact that ESPN would rather show Tim Tebow picking his nose than a Kansas City Royals game, he has become a steady source of a near-.300 average, around 20 home runs and 90+ RBIs. A young stud like Freddie Freeman or returning star like Kendrys Morales might have more upside, but also more risk. Taking “the Big Donkey” in the eighth-to-10th round where he will likely be available is a very solid pick.

12. Kendrys Morales, Los Angeles Angels (Yahoo 170, ESPN 199)

2011: Did not play due to injury

A scary pick indeed, as Morales has missed the past two seasons due to a hideous leg injury, and is doubtful to play close to 162 games in 2012. A couple of facts deserve close consideration, however: he is expected to play over 100 games at DH, and his last full season (2009) was worthy of a first or second-round pick: .306-34-108. It would be wise to wait until the late rounds on Morales and, if he is available past the 15th round, take a flyer on him. Also eligible at OF, Morales is a high-risk/high-reward type of pick which could win a league.

13. Freddie Freeman, Atlanta Braves (Yahoo 120, ESPN 120)

2011: .282-21-76

A young blue-chipper with just slightly less upside than Hosmer, his value is also slightly decreased by a recurring knee problem. In his rookie season of 2011, Freeman started very slowly but then picked it up, raking the rest of the way. His 30+ HR, 100+ RBI upside is certainly worth a pick where he is ranked, at the top of the tenth round.

14. Mark Trumbo, Los Angeles Angels (Yahoo 192, ESPN 226)

2011: .254-29-87

Trumbo exploded on the scene in his rookie year of 2011, displaying light-tower power with the potential to approach 40+ home runs in the future. Curiously, the Angels’ signing of Pujols and the return of Morales from injury leaves Trumbo without a definite position in 2012. Trumbo is expected to split time at 1B spelling Pujols, at DH spelling Morales, at OF sharing time with the aging Vernon Wells and Torii Hunter. Most promising is the news that the Angels are also working Trumbo at 3B, where his bat would loom much larger than Alberto Callaspo and his fan tasy value would sky-rocket. However Trumbo is played, expect him to get around 500 ABs and approach 30 home runs with multi-position eligibility.

15. Lucas Duda, New York Mets (Yahoo 176, ESPN 212)

2011: .292-10-50 (mid-season call-up, 301 ABs)

To be certain, Duda makes this list because of maladies affecting a trio of major league stars: Ryan Howard (torn achilles) and Justin Morneau (recurring post-concussion syndrome) would both be elite 1B options if healthy, and Ike Davis (Valley Fever) faces an uncertain health situation in his future. Also eligible at OF, Duda has enormous home run power at an enormous 6’4″, 254 — power which could approach the 30 HR mark this year as the Mets have moved in the fences at Citi Field. It is strange to me, then, that he is ranked somewhere between the 14th and 17th rounds when a player like Arizona’s Paul Goldschmidt (Yahoo 98, ESPN 182) is ranked as high as the eighth round. Like Duda, Goldschmidt is a huge guy with huge power potential, but he has shown a penchant for striking out — 54 whiffs in 156 ABs, while Duda fanned only three more times in 145 more ABs. Goldschmidt clearly has several holes in his swing, and will likely never hit for a reasonable average unless he corrects that. Conversely, Duda has slightly more power and is a far more polished hitter — making him a terrific sleeper in any fantasy format, with the potential to become the Mike Morse of 2012.

Rankings for all 1B eligible players:

1. Cabrera, DET

2. Pujols, LAA

3. Votto, CIN

4. Fielder, DET

5. Gonzalez, BOS

6. Teixeira, NYY

7. Napoli, TEX

8. Konerko, CWS

9. Sandoval, SF

10. Morse, WSH

11. Santana, CLE

12. Cuddyer, COL

13. Berkman, STL

14. Hosmer, KC

15. Youkilis, BOS

Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of this guy

My first rule of fantasy baseball is to find a couple of players at every position who are undervalued and then grab them in the mid-to-late rounds. How do you find this out? A little research — checking out the Yahoo and ESPN fantasy baseball rankings is a reliable way to determine approximately where a player will go.

For instance, this year the generally highest ranked catcher is Cleveland’s young phenom Carlos Santana, ranked 41 by Yahoo and 52 by ESPN. In a standard 12-team fantasy league, it’s safe to assume that Santana will go sometime between the fourth and fifth rounds. A switch-hitter with tremendous hitting upside, he would surely be an asset to any baseball team, actual or fantasy. But is he worth drafting so early?

Catcher is traditionally among the weakest of all positions in fantasy baseball, and 2012 is no different. It is surely tempting to take Santana in the fourth round and hope he reaches his 30+ home run potential while raising his batting average about 30 points, both realistic goals. Yet it is imperative to keep in mind last year’s Carlos Santana, otherwise known as Buster Posey.

Coming off a stunning rookie campaign and 2010 World Series victory, San Francisco Giants catcher Buster Posey was a hot commodity in last year’s fantasy baseball drafts, with an average draft position (ADP) somewhere in the third-to-fourth round. With .300+ avg. potential and 20+ home run potential, fantasy owners drooled over Posey much like they drool over Santana this season.

And for those that did draft Posey early? Well, he broke his leg in a collision at home plate early in the year, ending his season. Much in the same way that another catcher had his season ended in a home-plate collision the year before — Carlos Santana.

My point is, do not spend an early draft pick on a catcher. The position is too volatile due to injuries, and there are several unheralded value picks to be had late. Last season, for instance,  the value catcher I had circled on my list was Arizona Diamondback Miguel Montero. Following a 2009 breakout season when Montero hit .294 with 16 home runs, injuries robbed him of half of 2010. His stat-line diminished, Montero was ranked over one hundred and fifty slots below Posey who, in his breakout season, hit (a very similar to Montero) .305 with 18 home runs. I drafted Montero in two separate leagues, once in the 14th round and once, amazingly, in the 15th round with the 184th overall pick. How did Montero respond? About how I expected — batting .282 with 18 home runs and 86 RBIs.

This year, I am again targeting Montero, who is projected to be drafted somewhere in the ninth round, or perhaps Matt Wieters, poised for a breakthough year and surely available in the seventh round. Want another possible sleeper? How about Buster Posey — ranked as low as 127th overall by ESPN, an 11th round pick in standard leagues. Has Posey’s broken leg robbed him of the potential which made him a third-round pick last year? Absolutely not — it’s just further evidence of how you can make the hype machine work for you and against other owners in fantasy baseball drafts.

On to the rankings:

1. Brian McCann, Atlanta Braves (Yahoo 83, ESPN 70)

2011: .270-24-71

Normally I am a big fan of upside, but McCann’s durability and consistency at the volatile position of catcher are unique among the top-tier candidates. Over the past six seasons, McCann has averaged a line of .289-22-86, and similar numbers can be expected from the 28 year-old this year. Why take a chance on Santana in the fourth when you can grab McCann two-to-three rounds later?

2. Mike Napoli, Texas Rangers (Yahoo 53, ESPN 47)

2011: .320-30-75

What we like most about Napoli, of course, is that he hits the crap out of the ball. What we like second most is that he only catches one-third of the time, splitting the rest of his at-bats between first base and designated hitter. This makes him much less of an injury risk than most catchers, so another 30+ HR season is quite feasible. My only worry is weather the career .264 hitter can have another .300+ season.

3. Carlos Santana, Cleveland Indians (Yahoo 41, ESPN 52)

2011: .239-27-79

Don’t get me wrong, I love this kid. It’s just against my religion to draft a catcher at a point in the draft where David Price, Yovani Gallardo and Hunter Pence are all still on the board. If healthy, he can top 30 dingers and get his average up to the .270 range as, just 25 years old, he is still improving rapidly.

4. Buster Posey, San Francisco Giants (Yahoo 75, ESPN 127)

2011: .284-4-21 (played just 45 games due to injury)

A better stat-line to examine Posey with would entail his entire career, as sandwiched around a brilliant 2010 he played just portions of 2009 and 2011. Altogether, he has played about a season’s worth of games, 160, and had a season’s worth of ABs, 585. In that time, Posey did damage to the tune of .294-22-88, and at just 25 years old he has only scratched at his tremendous potential. A better value in perhaps the seventh round than Santana and Napoli in the fourth or fifth.

5. Matt Wieters, Baltimore Orioles (Yahoo 90, ESPN 86)

2011: .262-22-68

Once the most over-hyped young player in the game, Wieters has somehow slid under the radar at the perfect time, as all indications point to an impending breakthrough season. Despite three full seasons at the big-league level, Wieters is still just 25, the very same age as Santana and Posey. Better still, he seemed to figure it out in the second-half of last season, tearing it up in August and September to the tune of .275-12-31. Other sites give you Sabermetric acronyms which mean essentially nothing, I give you this: Wieters is an athletic prodigy, and he is starting to figure out how to adjust to big-league pitching and play with confidence. His upside is higher than anyone else on this list — if he puts it all together, Wieters can put up Mike Piazza-type numbers someday soon.

6. Miguel Montero, Arizona Diamondbacks (Yahoo 107, ESPN 117)

2011: .282-18-86

If you don’t want to risk an early pick on a catcher, Montero is the ultimate value pick. He is a steady earner who is still improving, with the potential to approach .300 with 20+ home runs. Best of all, he will still be on the board after one hundred players have already been drafted. An excellent guy to target at the draft.

7. Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins (Yahoo 95, ESPN 131)

2011: .287-3-30 (played just 82 games due to injuries)

In 2009, Mauer put together a monster season and was named AL MVP. In 2010, his Twins moved into a spacious new ballpark and, despite hitting at a fierce .325 clip, he only hit nine homers. Last season, injuries kept him off the field most of the year. If healthy, Mauer can conceivably hit well over .300 and smack 15 longballs. Alas, his creaky knees scare me and drop his ranking down to seventh among catchers.

8. Alex Avila, Detroit Tigers (Yahoo 112, ESPN 121)

2011: .295, 19. 82

A similar talent to Miguel Montero, I would like to see Avila repeat his breakthrough year of 2011 before I target him in the fantasy draft. Still, if your top options are gone in the 12th round and Avila is still available, he is certainly worth snatching up.

9. Jesus Montero, Seattle Mariners (Yahoo 140, ESPN 188)

2011: .328-4-12 (61 ABs, September call-up)

An absolute hitting prodigy, the only question with Jesus Montero is whether he will be eligible for catcher in your league. The Mariners plan to use him as a back-up catcher but get him 500+ ABs at DH. If he does? Look out. Montero’s opposite field power is obscene, making it impossible to safely pitch him away. If a pitcher comes in on him, Montero’s ridiculous bat speed can send light-tower shots over the left-field wall. He is worth drafting as a DH, and once he gains catcher availablity he could be one of the most valuable assets in fantasy baseball: a .300, 30+ HR season is not out of the realm of possibility.

10. Yadier Molina, St. Louis Cardinals (Yahoo 214, ESPN 186)

2011: .305-14-65

Durable and reliable, Yadier has improved virtually every season he has been in the bigs since 2006. Though his career-best 2011 may have scratched his talent ceiling as a hitter, there is no reason he cannot repeat those numbers. Considering he can likely be drafted after the 16th round, he is a pretty solid value.

11. Russell Martin, New York Yankees (Yahoo 301, ESPN 287)

2011: .237-18-65

Martin’s numbers have dropped dramatically from his all-star 2007 campaign, but a series of injuries are at least partly to blame. Still, his ranking seems a bit low when you consider that if he raises his last year’s average to his career clip of .267 and keeps his power numbers consistent, he will have comparable stats to catchers drafted 200 slots before him.

12. Geovany Soto, Chicago Cubs (Yahoo 187, ESPN 230)

2011: .228-17-54

Soto burst onto the scene in 2008 with a .286 average and 23 roundtrippers but has plummeted since. It is not out of the question for him to get back over .250 with 20 HRs, but you may be better off taking Molina instead or waiting six more rounds for Russ Martin.

13. J.P. Arencibia, Toronto Blue Jays (Yahoo 184, ESPN 277)

2011: .219-23-78

The young slugging catcher struck out 133 times in just 129 games, leading to a fantasy team-killing .219 average. If you can deal with that, his power numbers are excellent for a catcher.

14. Kurt Suzuki, Oakland Athletics (Yahoo 313, ESPN 248)

2011: .237-14-44

Suzuki is a better baseball player than fantasy stat-guy, but he’s a good bench guy to have if you draft an injury-prone catcher like Mauer. Two seasons ago he hit .274 with 15 homers and it is not impossible that he achieves those numbers again.

15. Wilson Ramos, Washington Nationals (Yahoo 280, ESPN 216)

2011: .267-15-52

#11 through #15 are very close on this list. It would be difficult to argue taking the young and talented Ramos ahead of Martin, Soto, Arencibia or Suzuki. Ramos is an ingtriguing player to target late — if all goes well, he has the skill set to appraoch the numbers Miguel Montero and alex Avila achieved last season.

"Tank" will be doing a lot of this for many, many years to come in St. Louis

The 2011-12 National Hockey League season has been a brilliant campaign for rookie breakthroughs. The Calder Trophy race for Rookie-of-the-Year is currently being hotly contested between a trio of brilliant young blue-chippers: New Jersey center Adam Henrique, Colorado power-forward Gabriel Landeskog, and Edmonton prodigy Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.

Not far behind them, Buffalo just made a huge deadline deal to acquire a top center from Vancouver in first-year stud Cody Hodgson, while Philadelphia has debuted a pair of terrific young pivots in Matt Read and Sean Couturier. On the blueline, Justin Faulk is already the top two-way defenseman in Carolina while Jake Gardiner and Adam Larsson have been indispensible to the Maple Leafs and Devils, respectively.

What can we expect for next season? The 2012 NHL entry draft is considered extremely deep, especially for defensemen, but outside of surefire top pick LW Nail Yakupov there is no guarantee any of those 18 year-olds will be rushed into the professional circuit. This column tracks the top 10 of current NHL prospects, most of which are set to make their mark in the NHL next season. (NOTE: Any player currently in the NHL is ineligible; sorry, David Rundblad.)

10. LW Jonathan Huberdeau, Florida Panthers

A scoring prodigy, Huberdeau led the QMJHL’s Saint John Sea Dogs to the 2011 Memorial Cup championship and was promptly selected third overall in the 2011 NHL draft by Florida. Panthers’ GM Dale Tallon is no stranger to identifying scoring talent, having previously drafted superstars Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane while running the Chicago Blackhawks. Huberdeau has not disappointed this season, scoring over two points a game for Saint John, considered by many the top candidate in the CHL for a second consecutive league title.

Called “an offensive wizard when the puck is on his stick” by scouting site www.hockeysfuture.com, Huberdeau is blessed with tremendous hands, stickhandling ability and vision. There is little doubt he will score at the NHL level and be an absolute force on the power play, but his slight frame (6’1″, 170) might leave him physically challenged in the rigorous NHL. This is likely to be off-set by his phenomenal compete level. I find it hard to imagine he will not blossom into a first-line, 80+ point player for the very fortunate Florida Panthers.

9. D Jonathan Blum, Nashville Predators

Whether or not you agree that Blum is the #9 prospect in the NHL, it is hard to argue that he is the top native Californian prospect in hockey history. Raised in Long Beach, Blum overcame a tragedy-stricken youth which included the death of his twin sister in a 2004 house fire to become a star two-way defenseman for the WHL’s Vancouver Giants. Selected 23rd overall by Nashville in 2007, Predators’ GM David Poile is well-reknowned for identifying blueline talent, having drafted NHL stars Shea Weber and Ryan Suter previously, and Blum projects to be a slightly smaller version of longtime NHL stalwart Jay Bouwmeester.

An excellent skater who displays extraordinary confidence with the puck, Blum is a steady presence who will excel on the power play or shorthanded, the type of player who we can expect to see on the ice in the final minute whether his team leads or trails by a single goal. Though he will never light up the scoreboard like a Mike Green or Erik Karlsson and at 6’1″, 18o will never be the physical defensive presence of a Zdeno Chara or Dion Phaneuf, Blum is a good bet to be a very dependable first-pairing defenseman for a long time to come.

8. C Jaden Schwartz, St. Louis Blues

A super-skilled top-line talent, Schwartz oozes a rare, tremendous character and heart which led to his being named the captain of the Canadian team in the 2012 World Junior Championships. He plays with a grit and tenacity which belies his slightly undersized stature and, like Blum, has been forced to endure brutal tragedy and hardship. In 2011, his sister Mandi, a fantastic hockey player herself who skated for Yale University, died following a three-year battle with leukemia. Despite this, Schwartz has emerged as a Hobey Baker-worthy stud for Colorado College.

Drafted 14th overall by the Blues in 2010, Schwartz projects to be a first-line prodigious point producer and one-day NHL captain-candidate. Though the word most often used to define his on-ice play is “smart”, he is also a sublime skater with a sniper’s set of hands. His puck skills, size, skating and off-the-charts hockey IQ prompt comparisons to Claude Giroux, currently battling for the NHL scoring title. It is no small compliment, but not an entirely unrealistic one.

7. G Jack Campbell, Dallas Stars

The big kid from Michigan quickly developed a reputation as a big-game goaltender, starring in the 2009 and 2010 U18 tournaments and, most notably, absolutely shining in leading Team USA to gold in the 2010 WJC tournament. In the 2010 draft, Dallas wasting no time in selecting their future franchise netminder with the 11th overall selection.

Goaltending talent notoriously is most difficult to identify at early ages and then takes the longest and most care to develop, but if there is one amateur goalie with can’t-miss talent, it is Jack Campbell. Incredibly talented and competitive with a history of rising to his best in clutch situations, he should find himself in the NHL within the next season or two.

6. C Mika Zibanejad, Ottawa Senators

Everything about Zibanejad indicates he is far above the typical athlete. Off the ice, he is far from an average individual — raised in Sweden to an Iranian father and Finnish mother, he is fluent in four languages and impressively intelligent. On the ice, he has displayed uncommon two-way talent and a penchant for scoring huge goals, most notably the highlight-reel game winner he netted in overtime of the 2012 WJC gold-medal game against the favored Russians: Zibanejad Golden Goal

Not the best skater or puck-handler among the top NHL prospects, Zibanejad makes up for it with a fierce power game and off-the-charts hockey smarts. He compares favorably at the same age to Boston’s indispensible center Patrice Bergeron and should move on from his current home in Djurgarden, Sweden to play a major role in Ottawa at the start of next season.

5. LW Chris Kreider, New York Rangers

It is rare to find a young hockey player who mixes elite speed with a huge (6’3″, 210) frame, rarer still to find one with Kreider’s skill and hockey sense. Yet what truly sets this burgeoning star apart from the pack is that he combines the physical skill with a penchant for winning — in 2010 he won a WJC gold medal with a team-leading six goals for Team USA, then followed it up with a NCAA title for Boston College that same year.

Kreider was drafted 19th overall in the 2009 draft by the New York Rangers who value his talent so highly that they refused to include him in a rumored trade for perennial all-star LW Rick Nash at this year’s trade deadline, reputedly preventing the swap. With elite athleticism and 40+ goal upside, Kreider will enjoy a long career in the NHL proving the Rangers right.

4. C Mikael Granlund, Minnesota Wild

As with many players on this list, it is impossible to read a scouting report of Granlund without seeing the word “smart” or the word “leader”. Not imposing physically at 5’10, 180, the young Finnish blue-chipper makes up for it with extraordinary vision, creativity and puck-handling ability. He plays the game like an improvisational genius, seemingly inventing new forms of brilliance as he goes. Against Russia in the 2011 IIHF World Championship, he used this almost supernatural ability to score one of the most dazzling goals in competitive hockey history: Granlund lacrosse goal

Granlund’s intelligence and hockey sense invoke a young Pavel Datsyuk, and next year he will certainly move from the Finnish Elite League to the National Hockey League, where he can learn the professional game in Minnesota under the tutelage of teammate and countryman Mikko Koivu. He is destined to one day become a team captain and NHL all-star, a staple of several highlight reels to come.

3. RW Evgeny Kuznetsov, Washington Capitals

In the 2010 WJC, Russia won the gold medal with a stirring championship comeback against Team Canada. Kuznetsov was an integral part of the Russian team’s top line, getting three assists in the third period and finishing the tournament with a sparkling scoring line of 4-7-11 in seven games. Despite his obvious sublime skill, he somehow fell to 26th in the 2010 NHL draft where Washington euphorically snatched him up. He captained Team Russia in the 2011 WJC and proved the Capitals right, dominating for 13 points in six games as Russia took the silver medal.

An incredible skater, stickhandler and passer, Kuznetsov mixes a startling skill set with a grit and fearlessness far from the stereotype of European hockey players. He is a demon in the corners and a beast in front of the net, as well as a tsunami of raw ability in open ice. Kuznetsov has been compared to another Evgeni, soon-to-be two-time Hart Trophy winner Malkin, and although that might be impossible to live up to it is difficult imagining someone of Kuznetsov’s talent not becoming a star at the NHL level.

2. D Dougie Hamilton, Boston Bruins

Chosen 8th overall with the second #1 pick Boston received in the ballyhooed Phil Kessel trade in 2011, Hamilton represents a juxtaposition of size and skill which makes the Bruins’ brass drool. The son of a Canadian Olympian, he has athletic bloodlines leading to a speed and fluidity of skating which belies his 6’6″ frame. Hamilton possesses a huge shot from the point and displays a great deal of on-ice intelligence. His defensive game has improved to the point where he is likely the best defenseman currently playing in the CHL, and of late his game has developed some edge, as well.

Playing for the Niagara Ice Dogs of the Ontario Hockey League, Hamilton has tallied 17 goals and 50 assists thus far this season for an astounding 67 points in just 44 games. He will be given every opportunity to make the Bruins out of training camp next season, where he can learn the NHL game alongside a player with a similar skill set in the Norris Trophy winning superstar Zdeno Chara.

1. Vladimir Tarasenko, St. Louis Blues

Oh, to be in St. Louis. Not only are they a legitimate Stanley Cup contender this season, but they are the only team with two players on this list. And also the very best of the bunch in the young man they call “Tank”.

In the 2011 WJC, Russia was not expected to make the gold medal game. When they did, it was behind the electrifying skill of Tarasenko. In the gold medal game itself, Russia was not supposed to have a chance against heavily favored Team Canada, which entered the third period with a 3-0 lead.

When Russia came back with a stunning, 5-3 comeback victory, it was again behind the talents of Tarasenko, who scored the game-tying goal before getting the primary assist on the game-winner. Playing against adults in the KHL since he was 16, Tarasenko has never been a stranger to overcoming adverse odds, and the WJC gold was just further evidence of that.

Yet that is in Tank’s past. What of his future? A fiery and tenacious competitor nicknamed for his 5’11″, 210 tank-like build, Tarasenko plays the game with the reckless abandon of a cannonball on skates. Mix that with elite skating ability and agility. Then throw into the combination a lethal wrist shot which gets off with the accuracy and swiftness of a Joe Sakic or Paul Kariya and you have a future NHL goal-scoring leader on your hands.

The St. Louis Blues traded up to draft Tarasenko 16th overall in 2010 when he somehow fell in the draft due to ”signability concerns”, but he reportedly will be willing to play in the NHL next season. When he does, the league will be lucky to have one more scintillating, edge-of-your-seat talent to watch, with the drive and desire to keep it up over an 82-game NHL campaign. Tarasenko is a unique talent indeed, but if forced to compare him to a recognizable talent, a slightly smaller but more tenacious Taylor Hall would be a good place to start.

Honorable Mention:

G Jacob Markstrom, Florida

RW Charlie Coyle, Minnesota

C Ryan Strome, NY Islanders

C Mark Scheifele, Winnipeg

D Jon Merrill, New Jersey

So another round of American Idol kicked off the live shows this week and after the usual bloodletting from the bruising eliminations they’ve chosen their final 13, an inauspicious starting number if ever there was one. Going into this eleventh season it’s fair to wonder if maybe the show’s lost its edge, worn out its welcome, gotten old and tired. The answer to all three is, “Yeah… sort of.”

But there’s a reason this show and the many descendants that it spawned remain compelling. The people involved are really engaged at the extreme end of their abilities; they’re all laying serious parts of themselves on the line; and the narrative, one that always captures an audience, continues to make us us wonder, “How would I react in this situation?” Is any of us ready for possibly screwing up in front of the whole country?

The judges have gotten a little soft and touchy-feely for my liking—I miss Simon Cowell saying things like, “If I actually recorded you it would set the music industry back fifty years;” Ryan Seacrest takes himself far more seriously than does anyone else; and the talent remains an uneven mix of prodigy and wannabe. But one only needed to watch Cowell’s own X-Factor to gain an appreciation for the time-worn forumla—the care the judges extend toward the participants, the wisdom in the cludgy elimination process, and, yes, even Ryan Seacrest—I never realized how effective he is until watching the hapless Stephen Jones stumble over every single money-shot moment on X-Factor. And as for touchy-feely, watching the X-Factor judges fight each other to the detriment of the actual talent makes Stephen Tyler’s raunchy humor, Jennifer Lopez’s Paula-Lite routine and Randy Jackson’s good natured big guy schtick positively refreshing.

So, yeah, I’m going to watch again, and I’ve already formed some opinions. For what it’s worth, here’s my first-impression handicapping:

Jeremy Rosado: okay, he has a voice, but he’s so painfully annoying no one will vote for him. Face it— he’s the kind of misfit that prompts the mothers of the kids who vote to burble “Oh, I like him. He’s such a nice boy.” Kiss of death time.

Erica Van Pelt: a big voice, proving that more is definitely not more. She’ll quickly show why she needed to play the wild card to get in the door. Her clumsy rendition of “What About Love?” only made us realize how fucking great the Wilson sisters were in their prime. For her wild card win we got Lady Gaga’s “Bound For Glory,” which she belted out like she was covering it in a Journey tribute band. Awful.

DeAndre Brackensick: girl’s name, girl’s voice, girl’s face, girl’s hair, girl’s emotional stability. This guy’s got it all and all of it is wrong, especially his falsetto which sounds like it’s spliced in from another singer.

Holly Cavanaugh: one of many blondes who made it into the top 24. Her name totally escaped me, as did the song she sang. She will fail to register on anyone’s radar screen because she’s B-O-R-I-N-G!!!! Can you spell W-H-I-T-E  B-R-E-A-D?

Shannon Magrane: another blonde who made the cut. Her badly shaped curls and the smile she fished out of the bargain bin at a K-Mart Blue Light Special mesh well with her penchant for crossing her eyes. She thinks she’s great; in that, I suspect she’s part of an extremely restricted demographic.

Jermaine Jones: big guy, big voice, he’s this season’s feel-good story. The voice is impressive, but I think it’s going to be like having a tuba player practicing in the apartment next door. It quickly becomes not so much an issue of is he good or not, but can you get him to shut the fuck up without picking up a sledge hammer.

Phillip Phillips: okay, so he’s got a name you remember. I also remember him for butchering one of Phil Collins’ best songs, I Can See It Coming, possibly THE signature song of the 80s. He was going for a David Cook / Eleanor Rigby moment but ended up with rigor mortis instead.

Heejun Han: the first ever Asian contestant, he’s no token. I think his voice is interesting enough that he’ll get some traction with it. If people start to catch on to his sense of humor, he could become a crowd fav; okay, it’s a little dry—some might say withered—but attitude takes you far in this business.

Colton Dixon: He’s channeling Chris Daughtry, David Cook, James Durbin and a little Adam Lambert as well. He won’t win but he’ll cut some albums and make a name for himself in Indie circles. Looks uncomfortably like Tom Cruise.

Skylar Laine: If Jim Beam had been a woman, he’d have been Skylar Laine. Hey, Carrie Underwood: hear that sound like a stampede? It’s Skylar shitkicking her way through another song on her march to the top. Watch your back, blondie; this girl collects knives.

Joshua Ledet: Doesn’t matter how he does, he’s already gotten enough notice to land a record deal. There’s a place for a voice like his—church.  It’s a limited, if passionate, niche, but they support their own, and they spend money on their stars.

Jessica Sanchez: What else is there to say but, “Damn!” Is she real or a cleverly programmed wind-up doll? And if wind-up dolls are that good, does it matter?

Elise Testone: I like everything about her including her hat. I make her keep it on in my vile fantasies. Her performance nailed me to the wall, even if she did do Adele. At least she did a good job of it and she’s an entertainer who understands how to do more with less. I’ll keep watching, at least until she gets kicked off, but truth is, she might be the low-profile dark horse who takes everyone by surprise.

There they are, America. Are they the best singers in the country? Are you kidding? Keep in mind that the past ten years have produced only two bona fide stars from the winners’ circle, though a few also-rans have done well: Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry, Adam Lambert, Taylor Hicks and, lately, Katherine McPhee. And I guess some of the second tier performers are making a decent living in the business, but does anyone even remember Lee Dewize? So the odds are that most of these poor saps will sink without a trace and in a few months they’ll be back on the farm, hanging out at the Kwikburger on Saturday night. But lightning could strike. You never know. That’s why we watch, isn’t it?