I always hated the term, “YOLO.” It has nothing to do with Drake who used the phrase in a song… okay, it has everything to do with Drake. Dude just annoys me and if that’s hating on a dude, my bad. I really don’t care though. In any case, Lonely Island comes to the rescue and parodizes the term through, what else, a song and an awesome video. They are joined by Adam Levine and Kendrick Lamar. Enjoy it below:

I don’t know Chad Johnson or anything that goes on in his personal life. I can only draw conclusions from the latest news out there on the blogosphere, sportscentric television channels… and VH1. Yup, the channel that barely plays any video hits, per its namesake, in lieu of actual hits to faces and stuff, seemed to be more of a platform for Chad Johnson to be Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco and shine in some manner.

Unfortunately, it was all at the cost of dimming his stardom on an NFL football field, as the focus turned from the outstanding player to the outrageous personality. It’s totally acceptable and cool for professional sports players to be who they are. In fact, sometimes it’s endearing and a nice change of pace from the usual drab and media-trained output players give off the field. However, there’s a fine line between losing perspective and recognition as a player to being “that guy on that reality TV show.”

Again, I don’t know Chad Johnson and I certainly will never be recognized by him to any degree, but as a football fan, I truly believe that Johnson has some juice left and hope he can turn things around. Last season’s horrific season with the New England Patriots aside, Johnson’s last two seasons with the Cincinnati Bengals weren’t bad at all – 139 receptions, 1878 receiving yards, and 13 TDs in 30 games is nothing to sneeze at. His season with the Pats saw him playing with Tom Brady and several strong receiving options. Johnson never had a chance.

The latest drama surrounding Johnson sees him losing his full-time job after being cut by the Dolphins, losing his television show on VH1 with wife, Evelyn Lozada, and possibly losing Lozada herself after Johnson allegedly headbutted her during a domestic dispute. Things are falling apart around Johnson and his one saving grace, playing and excelling in the NFL, looks like it could be lost too.

Looking for a creative way to support your favorite Olympic athletes?

In an effort to raise money for the Special Olympics (and other great organizations), a number of individuals have started a campaign where you can pledge donations (as little as $1) based upon the accomplishments of your favorite 2012 Olympians.

Already, pledges such as each donor giving $1 to the Special Olympics for every Lolo Jones medal are growing.

Each pledge is designed to spread virally, so that every Olympian’s accomplishment brings in big donations for the Special Olympics—without costing any individual too much!

Below are some links to popular pledges, but feel free to create your own!

People are donating for…

Ryan Lochte Medals (http://p4g.us/PND)
Lolo Jones Medals (http://p4g.us/PNA)
Misty-May & Kerri Walsh Medals (http://p4g.us/PNE)
U.S. World Records (http://p4g.us/PNB)
U.S. Gold Medals (http://p4g.us/PNC)
U.S. Swimming Medals (http://p4g.us/PNF)

Nail Yakupov will become the first Tartar drafted first overall in the NHL draft

Projecting the draft is impossible, unless you happen to be a clairvoyant with the ability to time-travel. That being said, and myself being neither, if one studies a team’s draft tendencies and needs, one can attain a ballpark idea of what a team is apt to do on draft day.

Still, trades will undoubtedly be made which make all of our projections moot. Will Edmonton, loaded with young forwards but needing help in the net and on the blueline, trade their top overall pick and surefire star winger Nail Yakupov? Will Toronto be willing to part with their fifth overall pick to solve their long-time dilemma in goal wigth Roberto Luongo? Will Calgary look to move into the top 10 to draft blue-chip defenseman Griffin Reinhart, brother of Flames’ prospect Max Reinhart and son of longtime Calgary player Paul Reinhart?

This mock draft is not to prove how smart I am. I believe the fact that Tawny Kitaen follows me on Twitter is all the proof I need of that. It’s just a basic blueprint of how the draft might go, barring unforeseen trades or Tim Thomas’ head exploding and an army of Senator McCarthys flying out.

1. Edmonton Oilers: RW Nail Yakupov, Sarnia, OHL

Many NHL prognosticators assumed the Oilers would trade this pick on the basis that Yakupov is the clear-cut top selection and Edmonton, stocked with young uber-talented forwards, need help on D and in goal. The core fact to keep in mind is that Yakupov is not only the most explosive player available in this draft, but he might be the best player available in any draft since Stev en Stamkos went first overall in 2008. Expect the Oilers to ecstatically draft Yakupov, then expect this dynamic kid to challenge for the NHL scoring title before he can legally drink.

2. Columbus Blue Jackets: D Ryan Murray, Everett, WHL

The Blue Jackets have needs all over the ice, due mainly to the fact that they have blown it on so many early first-round draft picks. Thus, their pressing need in the #2 hole is not to blow it with the pick. Though Murray does not offer the upside of some other defenders in this draft (Dumba, Rielly, Trouba), he is a polished, can’t-miss NHL blueliner who will solidify Columbus on the back end for years to come. Expect the team to draft Murray, who will get four nanoseconds of attention before everyone starts talking about the looming Rick Nash trade yet again.

3. Montreal Canadiens: C Alex Galchenyuk, Sarnia, OHL

For years, Montreal has sorely lacked a highly skilled, true #1 center. Picking third, they will have a choice between Galchenyuk, often compared to Marian Hossa though I liken him more to a healthy Henrik Zetterberg, and Mikhail Grigorenko, a larger and potentially more physical player, but often dogged by character concerns. Expect them to go the safer way with Galchenyuk, who will duly be dogged himself by concerns of the ”Russian question” by a media blissfully unaware that this electrifying kid was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

4. New York Islanders: D Matt Dumba, Red Deer, WHL

It is impossible to watch Dumba without absolutely loving his game. He flies around the ice like he has lightning in his skates, hitting anything in an opposing jersey and pouring pucks into nets at nearly a point-a-game pace. The Isles need a young, top-pairing rearguard, leadership in the locker room, and excitement in the rink to put asses in the seats. In my opinion the far-and-away top defense prospect in this defense-rich draft, Dumba will provide all of these elements in spades.

5. Toronto Maple Leafs: RW/LW Filip Forsberg, Leksand, SWE

Deep on the wing but desperately needing help at center, defense and goal, the Maple Leafs would be foolish to use the fifth overall selection on the wings, right? Um, sure… but this is the Toronto Maple Leafs, a team which might as well go ahead and copyright the word “boneheaded”. That being said, Forsberg is a very safe bet to succeed at the NHL level, a big and smart two-way wing who, though he will never challenge for a scoring title like one might like to see a top-five pick do, will certainly make it as a scoring line winger and improve any team he plays for.

6. Anaheim Ducks: D Jacob Trouba, USNDT, USHL

Loaded with stud forwards at both the NHL and prospect levels, I expect the Ducks to look to the blueline in this defense-heavy draft. Though Anaheim will be tempted by the offense of Morgan Rielly and the size and polish of Griffin Reinhart, I expect them to continue their pattern of drafting American kids and go for Trouba, a character kid and future captain with a cannon shot. Trouba’s skating, hitting and smarts are reminiscent of a young Brent Seabrook or Ryan Suter, and I have him ranked as my second-best defenseman in this draft after Dumba.

7. Minnesota Wild: D Morgan Rielly, Moose Jaw, WHL

In a draft which offers every type of defenseman imaginable, Rielly is the clear-cut top offensive defenseman eligible. Think Mike Green with some Brian Leetch qualities thrown in, a jump start to any power play. Keep in mind the how close in talent Rielly, Trouba, Dumba, Murray and Reinhart are on the blueline at the top of this draft — these guys could conceivably go in any order. With perhaps the deepest prospect pool in the NHL, the Wild can pick the best available player and, if the draft goes something like I imagine it, Rielly really would be that guy.

8. Carolina Hurricanes: C Radek Faksa, Kitchener, OHL

Hurricanes’ GM Jim Rutherford tends to be somewhat predictable at the draft. He almost always drafts a forward in the first round, and loves to draft out of Kitchener. His last two first rounders, Ryan Murphy and Jeff Skinner were both Kitchener products, as is Faksa, a huge center who offers size, skating and skill. Faksa reminds me of a young Jason Arnott, a bull in a china shop with a heavy scorer’s shot. He is a young player who can offer the secondary scoring Carolina has sorely lacked behind the Staal-Skinner top-line combo.

9. Winnipeg Jets: LW Teuvo Teravainen, Jokerit, FIN

With a drool-inducing offensive skill level which rivals surefire top pick Nail Yakupov, the questions surrounding Teravainen all relate to his small stature, at 5’10″ and 160 pounds soaking wet. Will his size inhibit this electrifying player’s ability to score at the NHL level? Well, after watching hours of film on this kid, I would have to say, yes. His size will inhibit him much like it does Patrick Kane, Martin St. Louis and Claude Giroux. Or watch film on Teravainen yourself to get first-hand evidence that this kid is freaking amazing. Whoever is smart enough to nab him, Teravainen will be a fixture on scoresheets for years. Under shrewd new management, I am guessing Winnipeg is that team.

10. Tampa Bay Lightning: D Griffin Reinhart, Edmonton, WHL

I need to add that, if he is available around the ninth pick, Calgary will be lining up offers to trade up and draft this kid. Reinhart’s brother Max is in the Calgary system, and his father Paul played for the Flames for years. Barring trades, he won’t get past the Lightning at #10 — Reinhart offers huge size, heart and talent and is a can’t-miss, top-pairing rearguard. Loaded with forwards, Tampa has huge needs for defensemen and goaltenders. With two first rounders I expect they will take a d-man here and a goalie with their ensuing, 19th overall selection.

11. Washington Capitals: C Mikhail Grigorenko, Quebec, QMJHL

The Caps covet a highly skilled center to play behind Nicklas Backstrom. The Caps have shown a huge proclivity for drafting Russian players despite the stigma attached them among idiot babblers in the hockey media. For these reasons, it is impossible that Grigorenko falls past Washington and their 11th overall pick. With an all-around talent level eclipsed by perhaps only Yakupov in this draft, Grigorenko has somehow fallen down many pundits’ draft boards due to the asinine “Russian question” (I’d like to ask these writers to locate it on a frickin’ world map) and his mediocre performance in the CHL playoffs (he had mono, folks). Message to the haters: big centers with 100+ point upside don’t grow on trees. Also, they indeed have trees in Russia.

12. Buffalo Sabres: C Brendan Gaunce, Belleville, OHL

The Sabres have long sought a scoring-line center with size, but Gaunce is more than just that. He is a huge, character kid, a natural born leader, with the ability to shine on the ice in all three zones. Gaunce is, quite simply, precisely what Buffalo needs. Having said that, it has been heavily written that Buffalo will be quite aggressive on the trade front come draft day, so it is difficult to ascertain whether they will keep this pick.

13. Dallas Stars: RW Tom Wilson, Plymouth, OHL

The Stars like mean players. Brendan Morrow? Mean. Steve Ott? Really really mean. Mark Fistric? Even is name is mean. In a decade, when you look up “mean” in the dictionary, you might find Tom Wilson’s photograph. This kid is a huge, hulking beast, capable of disrupting any team he plays whenever he is on the ice. His clear comparison is Milan Lucic, a key cog in the Boston Bruins’ 2011 Stanley Cup run. Like Lucic, Wilson is not only seemingly unbeatable in a fight, but he has top-line skills and good skating ability, making him a rare player indeed and nearly impossible to match up against.

14. Calgary Flames: D Olli Maata, London, OHL

Having said that I believe the Flames will trade up a few spots to get Griffin Reinhart, I believe Olli Maata is very similar to both Reinhart and Ryan Murray in his size, skating, hockey sense and calm in the defensive zone. Extremely polished, Maata might be closer to playing in the NHL than any rearguard in this draft. Though his upside might not be as superstar high as Rielly, Dumba or Trouba, Maata will be a blueline fixture for years in the NHL.

15. Ottawa Senators: D Hampus Lindholm, Rogle, SWE

On a team loaded with prospects and talented young players, Ottawa can afford to take the player they simply want the most. And this is a team which loves skilled Swedes. A fast-riser up many draft boards, Lindholm is big and skilled with the potential to be a top-pairing defenseman. On the Sens, he would able to be a power play fixture alongside recently crowned Norris Trophy winner Erik Karlsson. A two-way player offering NHL size and skating, Lindholm is unlikely to make it past the middle of the first round.

16. Washington Capitals: D Cody Ceci, Ottawa, OHL

If the Caps do indeed draft a forward with their first first round pick at #11 (and I have them thrilled to find Grigorenko fall to them), it becomes more likely that they will look to fortify their blueline with their second first rounder. Many pundits have Cody Ceci in their top ten overall, and it is not impossible to see why; he’s a big kid with an even bigger shot who projects to produce at the NHL level. Though occasionally defensively deficient it is well-established that defense can be taught while offense it a talent. One of the catchier names in the draft, Ceci has been compared to Michael Del Zotto and Christian Ehrhoff in scouting reports I have read. Either would be worth a pick in the middle of the first round.

17. San Jose Sharks: D Derrick Pouliot, Portland, WHL

The Sharks draft Derrick Pouliot, a flashy offensive-defenseman to jump to the deep end of San Jose’s mediocre prospect pool. Pouliot makes sense for the Sharks, as he is often likened to a tougher Brian Campbell who the Sharks gave up a great deal to trade for in the recent past, and then tried like hell in vain to re-sign before he left for free agency for Chicago, a void San Jose has since attempted to fill by signing every Blackhawks’ restricted free agent on earth to an outlandish offer sheet.

18. Chicago Blackhawks: G Andrei Vasilevski, Ufa, RUS

Anyone who watched Corey Crawford stand out as Chicago’s achilles’ heel last season knows they need help between the pipes, now and in the future. Anyone who watched the WJC in January knows that Vasilevski is absolutely outstanding, huge and athletic, with the upside of a perennial Vezina Trophy candidate. I would not be shocked if the Hawks dealt this pick for a goalie for the present, perhaps Los Angeles’ mega-talented back-up Jonathan Bernier or Stars’ prospect Jack Campbell, but if they hang onto it I expect them to nab Vasilevski, without a doubt in my mind the top goaltender available in any draft since the Habs nabbed Carey Price and the Kings took Quick in 2005.

19. Tampa Bay Lightning: G Malcolm Subban, Belleville, OHL

Let the run on goalies commence! The Lightning are also needy in the nets, and Subban is athletic, competitive and extremely smart. He offers the best prospect in net after Vasilevski.

20. Philadelphia Flyers: D Slater Koekkoek, Peterborough, OHL

With Chris Pronger’s future in question and an aging blueline in general, the saavy Flyers’ front office will certainly utilize this defense-heavy draft to fortify their back end. The Flyers’ braintrust of Paul Holmgren and John Paddock have proven extremely astute at identifying top talent late in the first round, and Koekkoek may be the sleeper defenseman of this draft. His talent was underappreciated playing on an absolutely awful OHL team, the same affliction which once dropped Mike Green to the bottom of the first round. Still, Koekkoek offers pretty much the same package of skills and character which Griffin Reinhart and Olli Maata, likely to be drafter much higher, also offer. The Flyers would be thrilled to grab this fututre top-pairing stud at 20th overall.

21. Buffalo Sabres: D Brady Skjei, USNDT, USHL

I have the Sabres taking a top center with their 12th overall selection, which would likely lead them to look to their blueline here. Skjei (pronounced, oddly, “Shay”) might be the best-skating defenseman in the draft, a kid who can absolutely fly. Combine that with the fact that he stands at 6’3″ and 200+ pounds, and you’ve got a surefire NHL skillset on your hands. His decision making is sometimes questioned, which has him just shy of the elite defensemen in this draft. But jeez, that size and skating ability.

22. Pittsburgh Penguins: C Tomas Hertl, Slavia, CZE

With the possibility of losing Jordan Staal in the next couple of years, look for the Pens to fortify their center-ice position. They will have two good ones to choose from here with the Czech Hertl and the Latvian Zemgus Girgensons. I expect them to take Hertl, who offers slightly more upside offensively and shone for the Czech WJC team this past winter as their top center.

23. Florida Panthers: D Matt Finn, Guelph, OHL

The Panthers are rivaled in prospect depth by only Minnesota and perhaps Ottawa, stacked at every position in their system. Yet a team cannot go wrong with a surefire NHL two-way defenseman. Finn might not offer the glitz and glamour of a Dumba or Lindholm, but he’s strong, solid and smart and certain to become a contributor at the NHL level.

24. Boston Bruins: RW Sebastian Collberg, Frolunda, SWE

I expect the Bruins to also be active in the attempt to acquire a Rick Nash or Bobby Ryan, either of whom would likely cost them this pick as part of a package. If they hang onto it, the International Scouting Service loves Collberg, a great-shooter and pure goal-scorer with a quick release and the ability to skate alongside the type of top-line talent the Bruins have in excess.

25. St, Louis Blues: C Zemgus Girgensons, Dubuque, USHL

The Blues’ braintrust loves big, banging two-way forwards and Girgensons fits that bill. The best Latvian available in the NHL draft in years, Girgensons is a future hard-hitting shutdown center with the potential to pot 50+ points, much in the same way that current St. Louis captain David Backes was considered to be when the Blues drafted him back in 2003.

26. Vancouver Canucks: D Ludvig Bystrom, Modo, SWE

The bigger news for Vancouver at the draft remains the possibility that they will deal longtime star netminder Roberto Luongo and hand the keys to Cory Schneider. The two most obvious suspects for acquiring Luongo remain Toronto and Tampa Bay, so it is possible that the already perennially cup-contending Canucks could add a top-ten selection in this year’s draft. Regardless, the first-pairing upside of the fast, big, skilled and smooth Bystrom and the ability to learn the trade under the tutelage of the sorely underrated Alexander Edler on the Vancouver blueline will certainly be enticing.

27. Phoenix Coyotes: C Andreas Athanasiou, London, OHL

In the Maloney Era, the Coyotes have built their team on speed, drafting a succession of lightning-fast prospects. They currently boast a stocked blueline, with talent at both the NHL and the prospect level. Their most glaring need is up the middle, and Athanasiou offers a tantalizing combination of speed and skill at center, though many consider him a boom/bust type of prospect.

28. New York Rangers: RW Martin Frk, Halifax, QMJHL

In the past playoffs, the Rangers proved that they will be a major contender in the NHL for years to come. They also proved the value of goal-scoring or, in their case, the detriment of a lack thereof. If there is one thing Frk can do, it is put the puck in the net. He is a deadly shooter and stickhandler with NHL size and plenty of upside, though his skating is average at best. There is also a high likelihood that the Rangers wsill trade this pick come draft day in a package for either Bobby Ryan or Rick Nash, either of whom would fill their goal-scoring needs in a more immediate fashion.

29. New Jersey Devils: C Mark Jankowski, Stanstead, Canadian HS

Devils legendary GM Lou Lamoriello does not follow trends, he starts them. Never before has a Canadian high-schooler been drafted in the first round. Then again, never before was a player in the BCHL drafted in the first round until the Devils nabbed Travis Zajac, and that has worked out famously. The Devils’ brass have proven brilliant at identifying talent which has fallen in the rankings due to superficial and superfluous reasoning, and Jankowski is by far the sleeper forward of this draft. A Joe Nieuwendyk clone, he offers size, smarts, skills and #1 center upside, and the only knock against him is actually a knock against the competition he has played against. Also, Jankowski will go to Providence College next year — the place where Lamoriello began his management career and still has ties. A player of Jankowski’s caliber may have gone unscouted by many NHL franchises, but he is a New Jersey Devils draft pick if there ever was one.

30. Los Angeles Kings: LW Anton Slepyshev, Novokuznetsk, RUS

Congrats to the Kings on a much-deserved Stanley Cup. This team is poised to succeed not only now but in the future, with a huge trade chip in back-up goalie Jonathan Bernier, who will be coveted by Chicago, New Jersey, Tampa Bay, Toronto and others this upcoming off-season. With such a fine team and depth, the Kings can afford to roll the dice with their pick, and Slepyshev is an eye-opening talent, big fast and skilled, with NHL all-star upside. The imaginary “Russian factor” and some inconsistency have dropped him down draft boards, but this kind of potential is difficult to find so late in the draft.

Today, Marvel’s The Avengers hits theaters in the United States and the anticipation for it is as high for any film coming out this summer season, save The Dark Knight Rises. However, having watched every single trailer for all three movies up to this point, the latest The Amazing Spider-Man trailer is the best of them all. Sure, there’s no cool drum beat and chanting, but the trailer gives us a lot, almost too much as trailers do, but it actually leaves you wanting to see more. The cinematography looks, pardon the pun, amazing. Judge for yourself…

On May 1st, the world was introduced to Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, Kate Upton’s cat daddy dance. I’ll be honest and tell you that I didn’t have any idea what a cat daddy dance was then and I still don’t know it is. Frankly, I care about it insomuch as long as Kate Upton, God’s gift to men that surf the internet in the darkness of their dorm rooms, engages in this dance. Upon my first viewing of the video, originally posted on YouTube by some lucky bastard, I was very happy in my pants. I don’t know how to say it any more classier.

So, naturally, I favorited the video. Then the following day on Tuesday as I woke up, ready for about my 1,739 viewing of the video, GONE! YouTube felt that the video violated their terms of use. What. The. Hell. No more Kate Upton doing the cat daddy dance, a dance I never cared for, but still. The top woman in the world did that dance and she did it so well, YouTube felt it was too sexy to stay on its site. Until today! See below explanation from YouTube per the Washington Post:

“With the massive volume of videos on our site, sometimes we make the wrong call,” a YouTube spokesperson told The Daily Beast. “When it’s brought to our attention that a video has been removed mistakenly, we act quickly to reinstate it.”

I guess men actually work at YouTube. Nice! Because who can’t appreciate a hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed, scantily-clad, well-endowed woman gyrating and expanding her hips? Speaking of which… enjoy the below.

 I have to say, and I know this is going to piss off a lot of my Conservative friends, but we should not concentrate on social issues as much as we do. I AM a Conservative, and I do have my opinions (strong ones I might add) on a variety of social issues we all love to debate. The thing is, most of the social issues that we get up in arms about do not affect us. I’m sorry, Conservatives, but gay marriage will not destroy humanity.

My feelings are different on abortion because it has been politicized by the Left as a “women’s health” issue. It does affect me because it’s partly taxpayer-funded, and if/when President Barack Obama’s healthcare law kicks into full swing, we will all be mandated to fund abortion whether we like it or not. Also, my personal opinion of abortion is not supportive. If someone gets pregnant and wants to have a baby, we are not responsible for the cost, so why should we be responsible for the cost of terminating a pregnancy?

We are not mandated to support gay marriage, so why should it bother me what two people whose beliefs are different than mine are doing? If you want to start a discussion about the definition of marriage, here’s how I think about it. Conservatives want to define marriage as “only between a man, and a woman,” and liberals want a free-for-all (that’s an exaggeration…I think). I say both sides are wrong about the definition of marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a religious rite of passage, such as a Baptism, Confirmation, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, but as always, some ruling authority somewhere decided to change that… and tax it.

Why do we Conservatives not get mad at that? Instead, some of us take it to a personal level. It’s popular opinion that we want freedom of religion from state control. Right? Instead, we vote on it, and in turn, we’re giving the state power to decide what the definition of marriage is. I say, if you get hitched with someone and it’s in some religious capacity with a priest, a rabbi, an Imam, or any other religious figure, then call it a ‘marriage.’ If you and your loved one want to get together, and a judge, a politician, or your friend that became ordained on the internet presides over the ceremony, call it a ‘civil union.’ It’s the logical thing to do. And whatever it is you’re calling it, no government should tax it. FYI- I’m ordained on the internet, but won’t be taking requests to preside over anyone’s wedding. Sorry.

The social issue we should all be focused on is immigration. It’s something that, if not handled, could take down the republic. Abortion and gay marriage cannot do that. Illegal immigration threatens our national security, national identity, education, taxes, healthcare, the national debt, and employment. Let’s focus on this and leave the smaller issues to special interest groups… and keep them out of national politics.

Elevators. When you’ve lived and worked in the urban jungle as long as I have, you’ve ridden your fair share of them. Yes, in New York City, riding elevators is almost as routine as breathing – rather mundane and uneventful.

So, like the body does with asthma attacks, let’s spice it up a bit and go crazy.

6) Chill

Feel free to lay back on the floor and prop your feet up against a stranger’s hamstrings or bring a collapsible beach chair. Just remember to always wear your shades, link your fingers behind your head, and breathe the breath of chilldom.

5) Psychic Bond

Walk into an elevator, hold the door open with one hand, and “feel” the button board with the other. Close your eyes for a few seconds and then instantly open your eyes and gasp, storm out, and proclaim the elevator an asshole.

4) Rapid Fire

Enter the elevator and press the button for the floor that you are already on in rapid fire fashion. Don’t stop and claim that the elevator is broken. Curse profusely for emphasis.

3) Repair!

As you get near the crowd about to take a ride on the elevator, claim employment with the building and the need for repair. Be courteous and thank everyone for their cooperation. As the doors close with you inside, yell, “It’s a miracle!”

2) Shine On

First find the following items – blue flannel shirt, red corduroy jacket, pants optional, toy axe, and a Jack Nicholson mask (or at least have the ability to part your hair). Make sure you’re on some middle floor of the building and when the doors open – “Heeeere’s Johnny!” Be thoughtful and have towels ready to hand out.

1) Blame Game

Enter the elevator, shift a bit uncomfortably, sniff the air, look around and then ask, “Did this elevator just fart?”

Please note that these are merely suggestions on my part and legally, I have to tell you to not actually do any of the above. Well, except maybe Blame Game because who doesn’t like a good fart joke?

9 out of 10 baseballs would rather be run over by a Mack Truck than pitched to this guy

Traditionally among the two or three thinnest positions in fantasy baseball, 2B gets a huge boost this year due to a pair of factors. First, two excellent hitters are eligible for 2B despite the fact that they will not be playing that position this season, in Colorado’s Michael Cuddyer and Texas’ Michael Young. Secondly, the position has gotten an injection of talent with a trio of young stars in Seattle’s Dustin Ackley, Cleveland’s Jason Kipnis and Oakland’s Jemile Weeks.

Last season, none of those five were an option and 2B was weaker than any position aside from catcher. Therefore, I targeted clear-cut top 2B Robinson Cano in the first round, drafting him in three separate leagues (and winning two, justifying the selection). In 2012, Cano is still a great grab in the first round, but with Cuddyer and Young likely available into the sixth and seventh round is it worth reaching for Kinsler and Pedroia in the later first to early second round? With Ackley, Kipnis and Jemile Weeks all representing high upsides well after the eleventh round is it worth reaching for injury-prone talents Rickie Weeks and Howard Kendrick in the seventh?

These are the types of decisions which shape fantasy baseball teams. Drafting Pedroia or Kinsler could mean passing up on fantasy studs like Prince Fielder and Jose Reyes, not to mention aces Clayton Kershaw, Justin Verlander and Roy Halladay. Drafting Kendrick or Rickie Weeks could mean a missed opportunity to nab rising star pitchers Ian Kennedy or Madison Bumgarner, not to mention slam-dunk closers Mariano Rivera and Jonathan Papelbon.

I often state that it is important to target players for early, middle and late round options in fantasy drafts at each position. In the mid-to-late first round, the sublime talents of Robinson Cano are certainly worthwhile. In the sixth or seventh round, Michael Cuddyer should approach 30 home runs and 100 RBIs in the hitter’s haven of Coors Field, with an average higher than Dan Uggla, likely gone in the fourth round. Slated as a 14th-to-17th round pick, it is certainly conceivable that Jason Kipnis puts up a line of .275-15-75 with 15 SBs, comparable to what you would get with Ben Zobrist in the fifth round or Howard Kendrick in the seventh.

On to the rankings:

1. Robinson Cano, New York Yankees (Yahoo 8, ESPN 7)

2011: .302-28-118

Second base is one of three positions, along with SS and 3B, where there is absolutely no contest for the #1 spot. Over the past three years, Cano has averaged a line of .314-27-104, and at age 29 he can still get better. He plays in a hitter’s park in the Bronx, and is moving up to the third spot in the Yankees’ potent order. Both in real life and in fantasy he is a far better player than nearest contenders Ian Kinsler and Dustin Pedroia, and he is not only a reasonable pick at #4 overall after Cabrera, Pujols and Tulowitzki are off the board, but he is also a solid bet to win the 2012 AL MVP.

2. Ian Kinsler, Texas Rangers (Yahoo 20, ESPN 19)

2011: .255-32-77 (30 SB)

Sandwiched around an injury-prone 2010, Kinsler put together 30-30 seasons in both 2009 and 2011. He plays in a hitter’s park in one of the best line-ups in baseball. Hitting in front of the devestating threesome of Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz and Mike Napoli he will see plenty of fastballs to feast on. Kinsler has batted .300 before (2008), and if he can get his average near to that point, he will be nearly as valuable as Cano due to his speed on the basepaths.

3. Dustin Pedroia, Boston Red Sox (Yahoo 17, ESPN 15)

2011: .307-21-91 (26 SB)

Boston’s fan-favorite diminutive 2B is a five-category contributor in fantasy, rare anyway but scarcer still at his position. Pedroia’s ability to shorten up with two strikes and still hit the ball hard to all fields makes him a constant threat to hit .300. His smarts on the basepaths make him a perennial 20+ SB guy despite not having spectacular speed, and he has become an expert at lifting the ball over the Green Monster at Fenway, leading to 20+ HR seasons despite lacking great power. Pedroia’s ability to maximize his abilities to fit his surroundings are praiseworthy indeed, putting him neck-and-neck with Kinsler as the second-best 2B in baseball behind the sublime Cano.

4. Brandon Phillips, Cincinnati Reds (Yahoo 55, ESPN 54)

2011: .300-18-82 (14 SB)

One of the most entertaining personalities in Major League Baseball, Phillips is also the best defensive 2B currently in the game. Unfortunately, neither of those admirable traits will help you in fantasy. What will is that he is in his prime at 31, is an annual 20 HR/20 SB threat, and last year reached .300 for the first time. Combine all of those facts and Phillips is surely worthy of a selection in the fifth round where he is consistently slated by the experts.

5. Michael Cuddyer, Colorado Rockies (Yahoo 70, ESPN 95)

2011: .284-20-70 (11 SB)

Okay, this is cheating. Cuddyer will not play 2B for the Rockies, we all know that. Yet, due to the fact that he saw some action there for the Twins last year, he is eligible for the position. Factor in the fact that he achieved his admirable stats playing last year in the hitter’s graveyard of Minnesota and is now moving to the batter’s haven of Colorado. Is a .280-30-100 season possible? Without a doubt. Cuddyer’s stats in the final season of the Metrodome (2009) were comparable: .276-32-94. As an OF or 1B (where he will be playing most of the time), Cuddyer would be worthy of his ranking. At 2B, his value is far greater. If he is still available after the fifth round, do not miss out on this low-risk, high-reward player.

6. Michael Young, Texas Rangers (Yahoo 61, ESPN 98)

2011: .338-11-106

Okay, we’re cheating again. Young will not play any 2B, although he is eligible there. He is also eligible at 1B and 3B, making him an extremely valuable player to have on your fantasy team. A lifetime .304 hitter with 2,061 career hits, Young is simply a hit machine. Although his power dipped a bit last year, in the previous two seasons his HR totals were 22 and 21. His versatility and consistency make him an invaluable fantasy contributor, which is why I ranked him slightly ahead of Uggla and Zobrist.

7. Dan Uggla, Atlanta Braves (Yahoo 48, ESPN 42)

2011: .233-36-82

Quite simply, Uggla is the best power source among all major league 2Bs. His batting average of .233 last year, however, was… well, Ugg-ly. The 32 year old from Kentucky tends to swing from his heels going for the big fly, leading to low averages and high strike-out rates. His power numbers still make him a worthy fantasy asset, but in the fourth round where he is slated to go, it might be wiser to wait a round for the all-around ability of a Brandon Phillips, or wait a few rounds for Michael Cuddyer and Michael Young. Think of it this way — ESPN ranks Uggla 42nd and Young 98th. Yet Young led Uggla in three of five categories (.338 to .233, 6 SBs to 1 SB, 106 RBIs to 82), while they tied in runs scored (88 apiece). Although Uggla crunched Young in HRS (36 to 11), that is not equal to the more obscene discrepancy in batting average. Overall it can be argued that the two players have similar value to a fantasy team, but when you factor in Young’s multi-positional eligiblity (3B and 1B) and the fact that Young can be drafted two-to-four rounds later, it seems that Uggla in the fourth could be a reach.

8. Ben Zobrist, Tampa Bay Rays (Yahoo 52, ESPN 51)

2011: .269-20-91 (19 SB)

Last season, Zobrist helped fantasy teams in four offensive categories, while not hurting you too much in batting average. He also is eligible for OF, making him even more valuable. He is useful to fantasy teams the same way he is useful to Rays’ manager Joe Maddon — as a Swiss Army knife, solid at everything but not dominant in anything. Zobrist is certainly worthy of being drafted in the fifth round where he is slated to go.

9. Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies (Yahoo 71, ESPN 77)

2011: .259-11-44 (14 SB); (limited to 398 ABs by injuries)

The biggest question at 2B might be where to draft Chase Utley? From 2005 to 2009, he was the clear-cut best 2B in baseball, averaging close to 30 HRs and 100 RBIs, adding a .290+ average and 20+ SB potential. Knee injuries have drained him over the past two seasons, and there are several questions as to how much and how well he can play in 2012. My advice? If Utley falls into the seventh or eighth round, take a flyer on him – if healthy, he may not be able to ascend to previous statistical heights, but .300-20-85 is within reach. Just make sure you use a later pick to get some insurance at 2B; on the other side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, Neil Walker is a good bet for .285-15-80 who should be available after the 13th round.

10. Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers (Yahoo 84, ESPN 85)

2011: .269-20-49 (453 ABs)

Perhaps the most athletically gifted 2B in the game aside from Cano, injuries have plagued Weeks for his entire career. He has only totalled over 500 ABs once, in 2010, when he responded with 29 HRs and 112 runs scored. With Prince Fielder leaving the Brew Crew, Weeks will be more relied upon to produce this year in the middle of the Milwaukee line-up. Only 29 years of age, Weeks could conceivably near 30 HRs and 90 RBIs if healthy. If only he could conceivably stay healthy. Draft him after the top 2B options are gone, and then offer a sacrifice to whatever your voodoo deity is that Weeks spends 2012 on the field and off the disabled list.

11. Dustin Ackley, Seattle Mariners (Yahoo 136, ESPN 171)

2011: .273-6-36 (273 ABs after call-up)

I absolutely love this kid’s swing. If I had to bet on any 2012 rookie to one day win a batting title, it would be Ackley. His smooth, quick left-handed stroke is reminiscent of a young Tony Gwynn or Wade Boggs. Although not blazingly fast or incredible powerful, Ackley’s upside is tremendous — he could one day hit .330 with 20+ HR and 20+ SB. There are no guarantees that such a breakthrough will occur this year, but expect improvements all across the board as he gets over 600 ABs. Unfortunately, the Mariners are moving him to the OF, so this will be Ackley’s final season eligible at 2B, but he is certainly worthy of a pick prior to where the experts have him slated to go.

12. Jemile Weeks, Oakland Athletics (Yahoo 154, ESPN 202)

2011: .303-2-36 (22 SB in 406 ABs after call-up)

Looking for a late-round source of average and SBs at an historically thin position? Look no further. Weeks is a solid bet to lead all 2Bs in SBs, and keep his average in the .300 range. He will be part of a electrifyingly fast top of the line-up in Oakland with Coco Crisp, and unlike in previous seasons the A’s are expected to run like hell on the basepaths in 2012. Although he was caught stealing 11 times in 2011, Barry Larkin has worked with him in the off-season to become a better fielder and basestealer. Jemile lacks the power of older brother Rickie, but looks to be a late round steal in most fantasy formats.

13. Howard Kendrick, Los Angeles Angels (Yahoo 72, ESPN 118)

2011: .285-18-63 (14 SB)

Once seen as a future batting-crown winner, Kendrick has settled in as a guy who does a little bit of everything. Also eligible at 1B and OF, Kendrick is a bit of an injury risk, having served several sentences on the DL due to a variety of injuries. If healthy, he is a poor man’s Brandon Phillips. However, he is ranked significantly higher than he deserves. According to Yahoo, he is worth drafting an amazing 93 picks ahead of Neil Walker, who is a good bet to put up virtually identical numbers. Therefore, I put Kendrick in fantasy limbo — not good enough to target early, and ranked too high to sit on late. Either get yourself a top 2B option, or wait for a sleeper later.

14. Neil Walker, Pittsburgh Pirates (Yahoo 165, ESPN 167)

2011: .273-12-83 (9 SB)

Walker is a very good late value pick. Why? Well, ESPN and Fox would rather show Brett Favre readjusting his crotch than a Pittsburgh Pirates game. On the highlight shows, LeBron James’ preference in socks is given precedence over Bucs’ highlights. Ergo, Walker can be had extremely late in your fantasy draft, despite the fact that he is still improving and his two-year averages are nearly identical to Howard Kendrick. If you take a chance on an Utley or Rickie Weeks early, you can take Walker as insurance for your high-upside but injury-prone 2B late. In deeper leagues, Walker is also a solid starting option, who will contribute a bit in all five offensive fantasy categories.

15. Jason Kipnis, Cleveland Indians (Yahoo 158, ESPN 174)

2011: .272-7-19 (5 SB in 136 ABs after call-up)

Not guaranteed of Cleveland’s starting 2B gig entering training camp, expect Kipnis to win it with his 20+ HR/ 20+ SB potential. He is not as sure of a bet as Seattle mega-prospect Ackley, nor is he a slam-dunk to contribute in two categories like Oakland’s Jemile Weeks. Yet Kipnis is a high-upside bargain where he will be available, capable of contributing in all five categories if he puts it all together. That upside is why Kipnis is ranked on this list ahead of bust-candidates Danny Espinosa and Gordan Beckham.