NFL Announcers Force Intelligent Conversation, Distract Viewers from Gladiatorial Combat

The phenomenon of NFL announcers attempting to sound intelligent during an NFL broadcast has steadily risen over the past few years, giving birth to distracting discussions about asinine topics and taking away from the true focus of their job, which is the bone-shattering violence and modern-day gladiatorial combat happening on the field in front of them.

It seems like you just can’t watch a football game anymore without Ron Jaworski slipping in a Dictionary Word of the Day, or Joe Buck using his time to elucidate his feelings on popular culture. For some reason, NFL announcers have gotten it into their heads that they’re supposed to be smart and verbose humans, when in reality their task is simply to read the names of the group of predominantly African-American workers who brutalize each other and significantly shorten their lives for the entertainment of the ungrateful masses.

NFL announcers now find it necessary to share personal anecdotes with viewers, making it incredibly difficult for those watching to hear ligaments ripping and cartilage being horrifically torn from the joints of the doomed participants on the field. Those lucky enough to watch the games live at the coliseum are mercifully spared this nauseating attempt at casual banter, instead able to relish in the cheers of tens of thousands bloodthirsty fans who will settle for nothing less than the total and absolute obliteration of the opponent.

It seems like just the other day we were listening to John Madden and Pat Summerall, a duo of retarded old men whose complete lack of intelligence and wit was a treat for everyone within earshot. Unfortunately, those golden days of elderly confusion and countless statistical errors are gone. Today, we’re stuck with the likes of Troy Aikman, Chris Collinsworth, and Jon Gruden. We’re forced to listen to their embarrassing attempts at jocularity while the captured and condemned claw at each other on the field, hoping to one day win their master’s approval.

So what’s the cause of this phenomenon among announcers? Why do they try and fool the viewing public into thinking they’re knowledgeable in subjects other than piles of beaten and bloodied men? It’s difficult to say at this point, however many experts believe that the origins are closely tied to Dennis Miller’s brief stint as a color commentator on Monday Night Football. Besides being a complete failure of an idea by ABC, Miller’s brief presence is thought to have inspired announcers across the league to attempt to be witty and intelligent on live TV, even while most of them don’t possess the ability to use modern technology or go five minutes without starting a sentence with a lowbrow phrase like, “You talk about…” or “I’ll tell ya what…”

The real victims here are the fans, whose only desire is to watch the players triumphantly parade onto the field and give themselves enough brain damage to assure that the autumns of their lives will be plagued by crippling health issues. It’s sheer joy for a spectator. But when Greg Gumbel interrupts with an attempt at humor, the joy that one finds in the eye-gouging and fragmentized kneecaps on the field can be quickly marred.

The overall consensus of the NFL fan base is that commentators should only speak about the bloodsport going on in front of them and save the inane quips for after the broadcast. Asked how they felt about this, NFL announcers seemed somewhat offended that the American public didn’t care what they had for dinner the previous night, or that they learned the word “perfunctory” all by themselves. Ron Jaworski appeared the most hurt of all, saying that Monday Night Football is the only time people are forced to listen to his bullshit, so he likes to squeeze as much in as possible.

At least the fans at home know that if worst comes to worst, they can always press mute and enjoy the barbaric death games in silence.