“The Avengers” Trailer: More Like Eh-vengers

Like a lot of others that grew up saving their allowance to buy comic books and shunning the socially-accepted activity of dating, I’ve been geeked for “The Avengers” to show up on the big screen of my local movie theater for years and years and years, which is a long time. Thanks to the internet, May 4, 2012 (release date of the movie for you non-Starkians that don’t understand the concept of inference) comes a little bit sooner with “The Avengers” trailer recently showing up on the little 17″ screen of my laptop. So, how was it for this former Marvel Comics work-slave/intern that actually labored for the Avengers Editor at the time?

Eh.

First off, I understand that explosions are super-cool and we’ve had enough of them in previous Avengers-related movies that this should be accepted as a pattern, but call me Howard Beale, but I just can’t take it anymore. Explosions are de riguer in action movies as much as bone-breaking attacks and horrendous acting are in Steven Seagal films, but be different, writer/director Joss Whedon, and give me some substance here! Oh wait, it’s a comic book movie, so there’s really no such thing. Plus the emotional gamut and investment of a Buffy will never happen again for Whedon. Sorry, but it’s true.

In any case, regardless of the absence of thought provocation, the trailer falls flat and gives in to a lot of cliches, the worst of which is when Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow gets into that contrapposto pose on her knees as she flails her head up, hair all aflight. Oh wait, that’s sexy as hell, so I’ll give that a pass. How about when Black Widow stands in the foreground as an explosion comes about behind her? Okay, that’s kind of sexy too in a “country boy that loves videos of bikini-clad women shooting uzis” kind of way, so I’ll give that a pass as well. Fellow comic book geeks know this already, but for the uninformed, a hot chick can do no wrong in our eyes. Am I right, fanboys, or am I the opposite of left?

In any case, it’s cool to see Nick Fury actually doing something action-related and not just talking, being all verbally cool and badass and stuff. There’s only so much the Samuel Jackson mystique can hold. Sure the Jules Winnfield street cred is long, but if Fury wasn’t going to start busting some caps, he better start cursing out Thor:

“What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved. And, no Thor, you thunder god motherf#%^er, I’m not talking about your pretty blonde ass… motherf#%^er.”

Speaking of Thor, he just seems kind of sterile, which is actually the opposite of what gods and demi-gods should be. They should be virile, no? I mean, don’t they like to get down like a Marvin Gaye tune is constantly playing in their ear? Maybe Chris Hemsworth is just a bad actor. I mean, I can understand Captain America, played by Chris Evans, being an old fuddy duddy, but not Thor. Okay, I know he laughs at Iron Man’s joke at one point, but even that seemed like a forced guffaw.

Oh, and Iron Man/Tony Stark played by Robert Downey, Jr. comes off as a douche. I actually got the d-chills watching his scenes. Joke at Cap’s expense aside (as well as Bruce Banner/Hulk’s, played by the excellent Mark Ruffalo), Stark goes a bit over the top in his lines, particularly when he says, “If we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we’ll avenge it.” Chee. Zee. I’m now expecting Iron Man’s suit to have a tremendously big and cosmically out of proportion crotch piece to fully display how full of conviction and gallantry he is.

I wish there was more Hawkeye, played by Jeremy Renner, who is the Caucasian version of Jackson’s badassness. And, why doesn’t he have a costume on? As a kid, I loved his costume so much, I was Hawkeye one Halloween and took up archery because of that character. And by taking up archery, I meant that I found a long branch that was slightly bent and tied a string on both ends, fashioning arrows from smaller branches. In any case, maybe there’ll be more Hawkeye in the actual movie. One can only hope. Well, for that and a Black Widow bathing scene.

As far as that Thor versus Captain America scene of them fighting, I’m calling it now. Skrulls. Loki is the main bad guy of the flick, but there’s never just one bad guy in a movie like this. There’s always some sort of minor bad guy and the Skrulls have to be it in “The Avengers.” It just makes too much sense for it not to be. Wow, I actually got through a paragraph without being sarcastic or forcing humor in any way.

Overall, “The Avengers” trailer didn’t really surprise me as it conformed to a lot of action movie trailers nowadays. There’s something to be said about being formulaic in Hollywood as long as you follow a paragon of success, which this movie is. However, with Whedon on board I was hoping for something more witty and hits the essence of what the Avengers were about – conflicting personalities that respected each other, united for the greater good. The trailer shows a lack of personality (well, other than Stark being a dick), respect for each other, and anything really great or good.

However, as a self-proclaimed nerd, I’m still going to see this movie no matter what. I will always financially support a comic book movie as my owning a “Howard the Duck” VHS cassette will attest to. I’m just hoping the trailer didn’t actually show all the best parts of the movie like trailers usually do. And, is it asking too much to hear an “Avengers assemble” battle cry? I mean, if you can’t stick with that tradition from the comic book, can you at least give a dude a Black Widow bathing scene?

See what happens when you didn’t date much growing up?

If for some unknown reason you haven’t seen it, here’s The Avengers trailer: